Pride and Politics

This month is Pride Month and I went to a local pride pride for the first time. I like many folx I came out later, in my 30’s, after a period of being closeted. I was denying, minimizing, and pretending. I was also a survivor of trauma and had an intense amount of internalized homophobia. It took me a long long time to get to a place where I could call myself gay or queer or GASP a lesbian!

Lesbian was a dirty word growing up in the 90’s. The way kids would point and say: “Ewww, she’s a lesbian” was the worst slander. The way it was sneered scared me, and I was already scared. I used to look in the mirror and worry: do I look gay? 

Even after I worked on my eating disorder and long after I began the work of healing from trauma, I still felt scared to be a lesbian. Sometimes it still feels scary. It’s deep in my bones, this fear. It’s familial and political.

Because it wasn’t just my school (or my family) that sneered at gay kids. It was the government and the culture. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, the murder of Matthew Shepard, the smearing of celebrities thought to be gay, it was a lot to be afraid of. And today, though many strides have been made (and mixed feelings: gay marriage and corporate pride parades do exclude many queer people) there is still so much hate, especially for our trans siblings. Not to mention the government assault on trans rights.

Last year I attended a rally in support of trans youth at Stonewall. In that historic place I cried for those kids who were out there- for their lives, for their fears, pains, and bravery-  and for the young version of myself who couldn’t be out. I saw the parents supporting their trans children. This year, at the pride parade I saw the Moms and Aunties giving out free hugs and thought about how lonely some gay kids have always been.

Gayness has always been political. It isn't just about identity, or love, or sex, it is a political stance. But it is who I am and who I always will be and that matters. It matters that I am out and that I support others who are queer whether they are out or not. I hope to be what I didn’t see: out and proud.